Of friends & acquaintances

Having read Yana's post about true friends and had further discussions with her about changes she has made in her life as a result of our exchanges I have been thinking through a number of situations & how I deal with them.

Firstly some background to how I deal with friendship & what it means to me. I met someone a couple of years ago who has a theory of the three doors of friendship:

• The first door is open to anyone who approaches with respect
• The second door is for those who contribute to her life and her to theirs & in her definition are her close & true friends
• The third door to her is where she keeps the secrets that even true friends have no right or expectation of knowing of their existence.

 I view the people in my life slightly differently. A relatively small number of people are welcomed through the second door as friends and people much is shared & cared with but the third door is open to a very small group whom as Yana defines it will back & support whenever required and can expect the same in return. In the middle of that room is the locked box of things I choose to keep secret, nothing shameful or dangerous just past deeds, thoughts and situations that are private to me alone.

I posted this image a while back & it is something I have at times failed to act upon as rigorously as I should, the result typically being that I let people down because they are not as close as I fool myself to believe, more commonly they fail or disappoint me with the behaviour & reactions to me. Over the past few months I have let a number of people drift from contact as I look at the value they provide to me or I to them. Sometimes sad because of what has been in the past but for me the energy becomes draining when the time and place for that connection/friendship is past its use by date. One in particular has been interesting to watch over the past few weeks as expectations & behaviours expected of real friends have not been carried through so hard as it was I had to make the call that it was long since time to move on.

I also find myself assessing situations where I will naturally do anything for close friends as they will for me no matter the personal emotional or financial challenges. I am blessed with a handful of people in my life where this mutual trust & support is tried & tested. Contact isn't always particularly frequent with some but we know we can count on each other when it really matters.

Over the past few days I found myself reassessing some situations based on how I'm treated. There are one or two around me who will open the conversation along the lines of "we should catch up - buy me lunch/dinner" versus the majority who will say it as "let's catch up over lunch or dinner". The second group know I will most likely happily pay but not expect it, the first group are at the exit door of my life if they haven't already been suitably dealt with. I willingly help friends financially & emotionally just as they do for me and the real test is one of expectation. The emotional drain of the parasites we all gather along life's pathways is a far greater issue than any financial cost.

I will also admit to being hard work at times, I recognise that I have flaws, real friends deal with these and as necessary discuss them as friends do - openly, honestly & constructively not as a challenge or put-down as I've noticed with some of those being deposited at the exit door of my life.

I hope that those who remain close see me a little like this, I've posted versions of it before because I see my faults & flaws clearly, some I deal with some I've learned to live with and just like those things we see in true friends we wish were different we accept them as part of the person we call a true friend. None of us are perfect but life would be boring if we were and the diversity of personality & character is often what draws us to the people who become important to our lives. I know I sometimes present a bigger challenge than expected but once the threshold of the third door is crossed the friendship is absolute.

Events of the past few days are sure to give rise to angst, anguish, harsh words & I suspect in one case some public venting. Unpleasant but part of the journey. To balance that someone has gate crashed my prodigious defences that typically keep people away from the second let alone third door, they've been one of the major causes of me toughening up & taking a hard look at what I have allowed to clutter my life. Thank you my friend.